It’s been a few months since I wrote anything for the blog. Since my last post, I rediscovered my love of RPG’s and I retired from writing. I was always setting up deadlines for myself and struggling to get through the editing phase of books and I realized I was carrying around all this baggage and stress and for what? I don’t know how many people actually read my books but it can’t be more than a handful. Why force myself to perform in front of an empty auditorium? I do plan on finishing some of the books I started, but as of right now there is no date or time for when I will do that.
I’ve never felt bad for failing to achieve my goals or reach an audience. I know it is difficult to capture the attention of the public and I accept the fact that not everyone can win. In any creative endeavor we undertake, we are competing against everyone else doing the same thing. In order for there to be a winner, other people have to lose. Being first requires that there be a second, third and fourth. I can accept that I was meant to be the loser so that other people could succeed, I am fine with that. What continues to bother me though is one particular question: “Why didn’t anyone like me?”
I finished a comic about Canadian superheroes, promoted it online, went to conventions and generally got positive reviews on it. Yet now with a blossoming Canadian comicbook industry led by homegrown heroes, it is like I never existed at all. I won the Top Cow Talent Search one year and got published, yet no one called me about work, no one noticed the book I did, I was never able to get another writing gig after that one. I know other winners who got offers, but I didn’t hear a thing from anyone. I even wrote books which I published through Amazon, I kept a Facebook page and a blog and generally tried to be as positive and creative as possible. Yet it all added up to nothing. Nobody followed the page or the twitter account, nobody sent me friend requests, no one in the world was discussing the stories or the characters I created. THAT is what really demoralized me, the echo of my own failure to create a fan base. I’ve come to accept my failure as a writer, but it is going to take a while before I can learn to live with the fact that people just don’t like me. Hopefully that wound WILL heal, in time. . . .