It has been right months since I started taking medication for bi-polar disorder. At first it was a bit disorienting; I suddenly found myself detached from the well of strong emotions I’d lived with my whole life. I began to disconnect from other people, making it difficult to understand or emphasize with them in the same way I used to. This is a good thing. After being disconnected my moods balanced out and the constant voice in my head that had constantly hounding me about things went quiet.
Since then, the things that used to preoccupy my mind have been swept away, the deep negative emotions have passed and the anger seems to have faded (mostly). Now the chemical blocks in my brain have settle into new arrangements and I find myself feeling, at least mentally, like the last twenty years never happened. I happy enough to want to be active and healthy enough to want to do something beneficial with all this energy. I don’t want to let another 20 years slip through my fingers without making it count for something.
It seems I am officially done with comics. Although I still plan on doing one more submission, I’ve been forcing myself to do it. I don’t take pleasure in writing in the genre anymore, primarily because I know no one is going to ever read the scripts I write, even if they do get published. It has not been a labor of love and I am not confident in the pitch itself, even though I think its a fantastic concept. The only reason I want to do it is so I can continue to be a guest at comicbook shows. The more comic work I do, the better my chances are of being accepted as a guest. I’ve been forcing myself to write this damn thing for a good, but entirely selfish, reason. I haven’t read any comics in months, I don’t have any interest in any of them and I think that I may just bury this submission and call it quits once and for all. I know so many good people in the industry but it just doesn’t appeal to me. Even if I could make a living at it, it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s not about the money anymore, its about making a difference in some way, even if it is small and insignificant. I don’t want to waste my time anymore on childhood dreams that aren’t practical for adults. The comic industry is such a small, weak, miserly little fellow that even if I attained huge success there would be little reward. The only thing you have to look forward to in comics is a movie deal, which is just as likely to happen with my novels as it would for any comic. If I worked on licensed properties, I wouldn’t even have that to look forward to. Work for hire is just work, nothing more, and I just don’t want to take on more work that barely pays. Unless you happen to be a certain type of person on a certain type of book, mainstream comic success is unattainable. I am just not politically correct enough, pretty enough or motivated enough to make that happen. I want to apologize for all the teasing and broken promises, there are artists I’ve talked to about collaborating and I feel bad that they wasted their time listening to my ideas only to have me dump them in the trash. Sorry guys, I just can’t do it and it is time to stop pretending.
So what do I do?
Even writing books right now is boring me. I did it, I published two novels and a serialized book, as well as a few other short stories and odd books. I write because I can’t help it, but right now I am slowing down. It’s a side effect of not being paranoid and manic, I don’t feel driven to produce something every single day. Lately, with spring in the air, I’ve been itching to do something else. Working on films would be great but totally unrealistic. So instead I’ve started taking an interest in wrestling. I reached the goals I set up to do as an author and now I want to move onto other things.
Wresting is something I’ve been into since I was a small child and my father trained for a very short time with Sweet Daddy Siki. I am going to try and get involved in a local show, try to involve myself in the creative aspect of it and bring the stories and heroes I specialize in to life in a new media format. We’ll see how it goes. Sitting in front of the computer all day, putting my own spin on the fantasy world we create online, just doesn’t satisfy me anymore. Life is happening, out there somewhere, not on here. I need to find some part of it that I can keep with me when I am forced back in front of the computer screen. I feel like Frankenstein’s Monster, alive for the first time. I want to live!
In the mean time I’ll be finishing off LONDON UNDEAD and BREATHE so keep an eye out for those announcements!
This is Sweet Daddy Siki, btw, a legend in Canadian wrestling.