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How to Survive in a Horror Movie:

Never burst into a room and demand to know what is going on here. If you see bloody teenagers or carnage and chaos, don’t ask out loud or your time is up.

Knock on a door. Ask politely who is inside and ask them kindly not to shoot you.

Never be the camera man. You’ll still die, but you’ll have to watch everyone else die first. If you are a camera person who identifies as a minority, look around you. There is a white man somewhere with a camera who will film your death.

If you are a Goth, your dream just came true. Enjoy it while it lasts, because your name is CHUM.

If you are Asian, head to the nearest all Asian community. You might get killed, but it will be by an Asian monster. White people movie monsters don’t crossover into Asian territory, according to the Second Law of Monsters.

If you are a white male, be brave. You might make it. Or be smarter than the other white guys.

If you are a white woman my advice is to stay virtuous, and be brave. No sex for you until the monsters are dead.

People who don’t believe in anything, keep doing that. I’m sure there is nothing out there that can harm you. I mean, only people with imagination get killed right?

Stoners, Hippies and Radical Religious people, your only hope is to do the exact opposite of every single thing you’ve ever done in your life. Bow to Satan and make war. Stoners, nevermind, just keep your eyes straight ahead. Yeah I promise, it’s really cool, but wait for it okay?

Bigots. Don’t worry, you guys always survive. Can I have your gun? You don’t need it, you big, strong, shining example of whatever demographic you are part of that you believe is better than everyone else.

If you are an Indian male, from India, you are probably a scientist and stand a good chance of surviving. My advice is to get as far away from white people as safely and cautiously as you can. If you die, it will probably be because of a dumb, clumsy mistake (see World War Z).

If you are male or female and have at some point in your life considered yourself a slut, you are pretty much doomed. Your only chance of survival is to make love to one of the other characters who has a high chance of survival. The more romantic and caring the moment, the better chance you have of convincing the God of Horror that you’ve changed your whoring ways and are growing as a person who might be worthy of surviving. Or at least dying less brutally.

If you are lost in the dark, shadow box. Stumbling around blindly just gets you killed. Instead, look cool and shadow box or do Bruce Lee imitations. You’ll find a light out soon enough, no one can trap a motherfuckin’ ninja, bro.

If you are an Indian female, congratulations you are invisible. Native American females will be joining you shortly.

Regardless of race, if you are a part of a bickering couple, put a sock in it or watch each other die. Seriously, no one will even miss you two, so leave your shit at home if you want to survive. Unless one of you cheated on the other, then just sit back and watch what happens to your horrible, cheating mate. . .

If you are a Native American male, a word of warning. White people are going to be coming to you for advice, followed by the murderer. Run as fast as a spring elk.

If you work for a major corporation, guess what? That new promotion that was too good to be true? It was. Welcome to the sacrificial pile, coffee machine is down the hall to the left.

Learn to make quips and be funny. But not too funny. Just Bruce Campbell funny.  A little funny, mixed with pissed off and ready to kick ass.

“Let’s Split Up!” Worst. Words. Ever. Followed by “Call the Police!” and “There’s nothing out there.”

If you are a black female, I’m so sorry.

If you are a black male, please pay close attention to this. 

You paying attention? I’m serious, this is very important.

If you are a black male and you find yourself in a horror movie, this is what you must do to survive:

KILL EVERY WHITE PERSON YOU SEE. THEN DISAPPEAR.

Seriously, it’s either that or a slow, painful and possibly comical death, or a fast, inhuman and stupid death (like the shark that ate Sam Jackson).

If you kill every white person in the movie, you become the villain and you are safe. Or you can fight the villain and if you they are a bunch of redneck killers or zombies, you have a high chance of survival. *

Please note if you are a black male who receives messages from little white boys while you are lying in bed, and you aren’t Michael Jackson, DO NOT SEEK OUT THIS BOY. In fact quit your job and drive away and listen to some really happy white people music. No one ever gets killed listening to No Doubt.

* Tips for black males can also be applied to transgender people. However, if you are trangender and kill all the white people, you might be expected to do a nude flash to the audience.

Please note these were not written to offend any one group, but was meant as parody of the stereotyping of minorities and other silly tropes in horror movies.

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